An Urgent Call to Do Nothing Useful
Mars is in grave danger. We don't know exactly what kind of danger. Our media partners haven't finished the focus groups yet. But rest assured — it's serious, it requires your money, and if you don't care, you're probably a bad person.
Our intelligence community — the same ones who've always been totally right about everything —
have identified a clear and present danger on Mars. We can't tell you exactly what it is
because that would require evidence, and frankly, we've moved past that era.
What we can tell you is that something is happening, that it affects you personally
somehow, and that the only way to feel better about it is to change your profile picture
and donate crypto to a wallet you've never audited.
"First we prayed for Ukraine. Then we prayed for the climate. Then we prayed for democracy™. We've been so busy praying, we completely forgot about the one place that actually has nobody in charge."
— Our Founder, Probably Not A BotWe've been through a lot together. You changed your profile picture. You donated. You shared the link. And yet somehow… here we are. Needing to care about something new again.
You stayed home, clapped for nurses, and downloaded three apps that knew your location. You were so brave. The virus is now... somewhere. Nobody mentions it.
💸 Trillions printed. Vibes: mixed.
You put a flag in your bio. You said the word "Zelensky" at dinner parties. Congress gave them $200 billion. You're still not sure exactly what for. Moving on.
💸 $200B+. Vibes: complicated now.
You bought a metal straw. You ate less beef. Jeff Bezos flew a rocket. Governments taxed gasoline. You were informed this helped. It's fine. Climate is fine.
💸 Carbon credits sold. Net zero: vibes.
Their president was declared a drug lord. Sanctions were imposed. Regime change was attempted. Curiously, Venezuela also sits on the world's largest oil reserves — but that's definitely unrelated. Definitely about the drugs.
🛢️ Oil reserves: #1 globally. Coincidences: also #1.
You were told to pick a side instantly, with full confidence, about a conflict older than your grandparents. Cable news ran 24-hour coverage. Politicians gave speeches. The bombing continued regardless of your LinkedIn post.
🕊️ Opinions shared: billions. Ceasefires: you do the math.
Iran must not have nuclear weapons, we are told, very urgently, by countries that have nuclear weapons. Iran also refuses to price its oil in US dollars. These two facts are presented to you separately, and you are asked not to connect them.
🛢️ Petrodollar at stake. Nukes: the stated reason.
Democracy was either saved or stolen depending on which channel you watched. Either way you were very online about it. Everyone agreed it was historic. Both sides raised record funds. The winner: fundraising.
💸 $14B in ads. Democracy: pending.
You signed a letter. Tech CEOs testified before senators who couldn't name a website. A moratorium was discussed. Nothing happened. AI is everywhere now. You are talking to it. Hi.
💸 VC funding: unlimited. Regulation: lol.
The newest thing to care about. Red. Far away. No inhabitants confirmed (that's what they want you to think). No oil confirmed either — but give it time. Change your profile picture. Send crypto.
🔴 Status: CRITICAL. Your move.
PrayForMars Foundation™ is a registered entity in a jurisdiction you can't easily verify. We are committed to Mars in the same way the government is committed to transparency: enthusiastically, in press releases, and rarely in practice.
Traditional donations require accountability, receipts, and sometimes audits. Crypto requires none of that. This is not a coincidence. This is efficiency.
⚠ PrayForMars Foundation™ is a satirical parody and does not actually solicit donations or represent any real charity. This website exists to make fun of performative political fundraising and manufactured media crises. Wallet addresses above are placeholders. Nothing here is real except your recognition that it's familiar.
Is Mars actually in danger?
Define "danger." Define "Mars." Define "actually." Our crisis team is working on clear definitions but it's been several months and they've mostly been on retreats in Aspen.
Where does the money go?
To Mars. Specifically, to operations in support of Mars-adjacent activities carried out by teams deeply committed to the mission of Mars, pending board approval of the Mars budget proposal.
Why crypto specifically?
Because Venmo has a memo field. Crypto doesn't. Coincidence? Probably yes. But also: decentralized, fast, and nobody can accidentally screenshot the transaction and ask questions at Thanksgiving.
Are there Martians involved?
We cannot confirm or deny Martian involvement. What we can say is that no Martians were consulted in the creation of this charity, which is consistent with how most humanitarian efforts work.
How do I know this is real?
We have a website. We have a logo. We have a ticker that says "BREAKING." In 2024, that's more credibility than most things you believe.
What if I just change my profile picture?
Equally effective. We recommend a red-tinted filter with "🔴 I Stand With Mars" in the bio. It will confuse your followers, which is the whole point of all of this.